Both taboo and tantalising, sex is one of society's obsessions. We still fear to express our desires to our partners and are horrified when we have to talk about sexual relations with children. Why is it important to talk about sex? How do our bodies respond to unhappy relationships? What attracts younger men to older women? Why do some mature men feel no need to enter relationships? From what age should we talk to children about sex? Consultant psychologist, psycho-sexual therapist, sexologist, family therapist, teacher, clinical supervisor and blogger Tatiana Ryklina talked to Kommersant about harmony in sex and relationships.
How have attitudes to sex changed in Britain in recent years? Has the development of social media and dating apps affected them?
Over the last 20 years, attitudes toward sex have not changed significantly, it's just that some widely-held opinions have become voiced more often in public. Of course, considerable roles in this have been played by the media, social media and the Internet as a whole, including various online services with sexual content. Sex has entered the fields of culture and education. The LGBTQ community’s festivals and parades, held in central London, have demonstrated to all that sexuality can be expressed and approached in different ways. This openness has helped people to feel less anxious about their sexuality. Society now accepts and has legalised many things previously forbidden. For example, polyamory, when one person is simultaneously in several different relationships. While this is not new, in the past people had to hide it but now, they can be part of society without feeling ashamed or that something is wrong with them. The sexual diversity now visible in society allows people to feel included.
Age taboos are shifting in sex. The terms MILF and GILF are always trending online and porn featuring mature women has become more popular. What has led to this?
Appreciation of mature women and the notion that young men may fall in love with them is not new. Just think of the myths of ancient Greece. Still, it's a fact that society no longer judges relationships where the woman is significantly older than the man. Many young men openly write on social media that they feel strongly sexually attracted to women of a mature age. They value their confidence, calm, wisdom, easy-going attitude and clear grasp of sexual desire. This is important for young people because their sexual experiences often lead them to feel anxiety. They don't fall in love with mature women because they are avoiding their own age group. Maternity doubtless plays some role; think of Sophocles’ Oedipus Rex. Still, the main draws are a well-groomed appearance and experience of life. You see, two young people without sexual experience make a lot of mistakes, not so much sexual as psycho-emotional. They’re figuring each other out, they can't stem their anxiety and they don’t show each other enough respect. This experience leads them to have a rather negative attitude towards sex and to themselves as sexual objects. One result is that an awful lot of the men who come to sexologists are concerned about their masculinity and ability to be the man they expect to be in bed; someone all-knowing, all-powerful and capable of everything. Society still makes these unrealistic expectations of men and it's not an easy burden.
Why don't mature men want relationships?
This is only partially true as everybody has their own story. For instance, I know lots of men who are seeking relationships. As they age, men begin to understand their needs better. Some leave their families by 50, after their children have grown up. They don’t do this to be with another woman but instead for the solitude they crave. This is especially the case with introverted men who find all relationships difficult. A lone wolf wakes up who wants to live for himself. Women take up a lot of time and their libidos aren’t what they were anyway. The need to have relationships drops dramatically in men like this, especially when you consider the technological developments allowing many of their needs to be met without women. This category of men doesn't enter the dating market; they like solitude. It's pretty much what they were waiting for while their kids were growing up. Conversely, there are men with high libidos who are motivated to enter relationships, although possibly not long-term ones requiring responsibility and obligations. Rather, They seek short-term sexual and intellectual ones.
Can you explain why society is so judgemental of couples where the woman is older while it's perfectly fine for men over 60 to shack up with 20-year-old girls without online hate? Think of all the negativity around Emmanuel Macron's marriage, for instance.
Social attitudes shouldn't be confused with media hype. The only reason why Macron is in the news is because of his high-profile job. Overall, society accepts his marriage. Otherwise, they wouldn't have elected him president of the country. In the old days, attraction to a much older man or woman was considered an illness; gerontophilia. The term ‘elderly person’ was used. So fashions change. Mixed-age couples live in society, buy houses together and are unharassed. Amongst my clients, there are unions in which the woman is older and they're happy because their relationships are not built on the concept of age, but rather on common interests, respect, sexual attraction and the ability to communicate. These are the basis of well-being.
Relationships between young women and very mature or even elderly men always speak to a need which is in fact mutual. She is so concerned that she won't be able to make it financially that she has reshaped her life completely to fit his. He, meanwhile needs to feel confident in bed. There are young men, so-called ‘toy boys’, who choose wealthy mature women for themselves. Wider society may view this as sad because of the insincerity and the way they are exploiting each other, however, both parties may be satisfied with their unwritten agreement and find it fulfils their needs.
As for the criticism of couples where the woman is older compared to the acceptance of unions where an elderly man lives with a young girl, it’s all quite simple; we live in a world created by men and it works according to their rules and precepts. Although much has been done to empower women and their status in society is growing, the social order’s cultural narratives and expectations remain weighted in favour of men.
There are women who objectify young men solely as potential sexual partners…
Actually, this makes sense in terms of sexual development. While I was studying psychology at university, we looked at research into this issue and while for males, the peak of sexual energy is from 20 to 25, for women it comes roughly at 35. Today these figures may have changed slightly due to various factors affecting libido such as increasing life expectancy, but judging by these statistics, the story is unequal.
What problems do clients come to you with? How do sexual problems reflect social trends?
They are interrelated because society either allows something or makes it taboo. This is one reason why issues arise, as any sexual, psychological, or relationship problems always involve a conflict between the internal and the external. Some things may not be compatible, there may be some inner needs which cannot be realised in society, or vice versa. Most often, men come to me with erectile dysfunction; impotence. They come to psychologists with this problem and roughly 70 to 75% of them have no physical disorder, as their ability to masturbate demonstrates. Either psychological problems may be present or erections may simply not occur in sexual interactions with their partner. Most often this is related to performance anxiety; the fear their partner won't like them in bed. This may be associated with a negative first experience of sex and the fear this situation may repeat itself. This anxiety may develop into a serious pathology of a sexual nature. The second most common complaint is premature ejaculation and a soft sexual organ, or incomplete erection. This may be caused by age or physical problems such as anxiety, anger, resentment or feelings of guilt. Sometimes people don't appreciate the significance of the relationship or what's happening between partners in the emotional sphere. Sex is an interesting manifestation of what's happening in their relationship. Whatever their gender, if they have suddenly stopped wanting to have sex with their partner it’s likely some kind of misunderstanding, unspoken truth, resentment or anger is hanging over the relationship. The love has ended. The third most common complaint is anxiety.
Women most often come with low libidos and a loss of sexual interest in their partner. This may be physiological, due to hormonal changes sometimes brought on by the onset of menopause, or an unconscious desire to end the relationship. The second most significant problem is anorgasmia. If a woman can experience orgasm through masturbation then the problem is not physical. If she cannot, she must start to investigate and explore her own body to figure out her sexuality. Quite a few books have been written on the topic of female sexuality. I would recommend one by the sexologist Emily Nagoski, called Come as You Are (2015) and Becoming Orgasmic: A Sexual and Personal Growth Program for Women by Julia Heiman (1987). The third problem is vaginism, a pathology when the vagina tenses and does not open up during the sexual act. This often happens as a result of sexual trauma. The commonest reason is violence. If a woman has become cold towards her partner, if the relationship is not working out and she is afraid of admitting she is not attracted to him, this condition seems to be the body’s way of trying to tell the woman her true feelings.
And do you give your clients the chance to resolve these problems?
There are always solutions, you just have to understand the causes. This is why sexologists require further training; so they understand the body and can assess whether biological causes can be excluded or if they should work in tandem with a gynaecologist. For instance, when treating vaginism we must work on the muscles of the vagina. For psychological problems, we must seek an answer to the question of what's happened to the body and why it has closed itself up. During the discussion, different aspects of clients’ anxieties and what they are going through are constantly examined. If things come out which had been hidden in the subconsciousness, they may take a long time to process. The psyche often suppresses the unconsciousness as people forget negative experiences. This is one of the body's defence mechanisms.
Why do the British have such highly developed sexual slang while the Russian language is so puritanical? (If we don’t consider swear words). What role do verbal interactions play in sex life?
Verbal interaction plays a primary role in sex life, its development, and the ability to enjoy it and bring pleasure to your partner. In Britain, psychosexual education is taught to quite a high standard and it begins at school. Here, from an early age, children are taught that this phenomenon exists and it’s part of ordinary life, the same as any other. Our task is to teach children, teenagers and adults to talk about sex as calmly and free from embarrassment as possible, so they can use the terminology and express their needs. The more we discuss these needs with our partners, the less risk there is that they will not be satisfied. Since we learn through verbal communication and we teach the next generation to talk about sex, of course, the language and narratives around this topic are highly developed. Sometimes discussions go off completely into teen slang, but this is unavoidable since every generation has its own culture and rules of interaction which affect different aspects of life. Overall, the ability to speak about sex without shame is important because if we can talk about it with our partners without feeling ashamed, we can talk about it to children without embarrassment and discuss it with other people without feeling uncomfortable or afraid that something is wrong with us. Then our children will also be able to talk about this topic easily. In Britain, restrictions on the discussion of this topic relaxed much earlier than in the former Soviet Union as they didn’t speak about sex openly in the USSR. The topic was taboo and likely to provoke disgust. Here, by contrast, they make films and write books about sex to affect public opinion and normalise what was previously taboo.
What cultural differences can hinder sex in international couples?
Any cultural norm can cause conflict in a multicultural couple, including in the sexual realm. For example the role of the man and the woman during sex; who initiates and who must be passive? In each culture these roles are different, but I repeat; if two people discuss all these questions before they start to have sex then their expectations and conceptions of how things between them can be have been verbalised and irrespective of cultural norms, their sex life can be successfully established. I believe myths about sex are still strong, such as that the woman should be passive and the man should direct things as he knows everything. In sex, these conflicts are unavoidable. For instance, while in other cultures, women who men like are considered sexy, as women's bodies are considered to belong to men, in Britain, a woman is considered sexy if she knows what she wants, understands her sexuality and can direct it; ‘My body is my business’, so to speak. The society around us gives us these norms.
Please name some more new trends in sex, such as polyamory, which people haven’t heard about before.
Sex parties are currently enjoying enormous popularity. They haven't just started to hold them more often, they have also started talking about them. This topic has become very much discussed. You can go to them with a partner or alone. They are legally organised with conditions that all participants must sign up to. Everyone who goes to them has a role. You can take part in sex in a group, or with a partner or just watch. Huge numbers say they have experienced these parties. Some like the idea, others don't, but British society has legalised them. You have to investigate your sexuality and try out new experiences. Sometimes we like things which at first seem off-putting.
How do you feel about watching porn with your children? How should a mother react if she sees her child viewing porn? At what age is this acceptable?
Rule number one is that parents mustn't watch porn with their children; this destroys our boundaries. Parents and children have their own roles. The second rule is that all of this content is intended for people over 18, so it’s important what age you catch your child watching pornography. From six to eight, it can be a traumatic experience, so you have to talk to the child very carefully. By adolescence, every teenager has watched porn at least once, so you mustn’t make them feel ashamed in any way for doing some research. At this age, both boys and girls are waking up biologically and they already feel sexual needs, so they are interested in how it all works. It's impossible to avoid this. As a parent, it's better to pretend you haven't seen anything. You can try offering them some good quality reading material and ask about it delicately, but usually, teens will just close their bedroom doors. The main thing is not to make a major incident out of it because they’re just trying to find out how it all works.
If you're concerned about your child, you can start talking to them about it from the age of four or five. Start with sexual differences, then psychological aspects such as the Underpants Rule, which is that only the child themselves may touch their underwear, except their parents, when necessary. If, as a parent, you can talk about sex, sexual maturity, the body and pleasure with your child, that's good but all the same, sex can't be the main topic of the conversation. Books can help you, of which there are quite a few good ones. My children have them on their shelves alongside the others and when they feel curious, we talk about them. I recommend books such as Let's Talk About THIS. Girls, boys, babies, families and Bodies by Robbie H. Harris for younger children and for girls, How to Talk to Your Daughter about Growing Up, Sexual Maturity and Sex by Michelle Hope (Girls start to think about the topic of sexuality quite early and changes in their bodies as they grow concern them). For teenage boys, I’d recommend Living with a Willy: The Inside Story by Nick Fisher. Sometimes children ask very sharp, wise questions. For instance, at the age of nine, my son asked me what to do if one partner wants to have sex and the other doesn't. It's a question about consent to sexual activity. I was pleased because I realised, first of all, that he was thinking about the topic and secondly, he respected the opinions and wishes of the other person. This understanding is useful because it helps form the basis of our attitude towards ourselves and other people.
It's acceptable to look at porn sites from the age of 18, but we all know from statistics that in reality, teenagers start to view this content significantly earlier. If parents need to discuss this topic with a child, I recommend watching the British TV series Sex Education together.
How is sex education done in British schools? How well are these lessons organised? Some of our readers, for instance, are of the view that schools start to tell children about same-sex relationships too early. What's your position on this?
Yes, it seems to some parents that certain topics explored during sex education at schools are excessive. Personally, I don't see anything excessive about them as they only look at the theory. They tell children about relationships, being safe and sexual maturity. They don't make them choose a sexuality or try anything out. As a parent, I like it because it makes my children think and ask the right questions.
We can't avoid the reality that same-sex marriages are legal. It's impossible to hide this. Any child may meet classmates who live in a family with two mums or two dads. They may encounter this phenomenon at quite an early age. The British education system contends children must be told about this, but it is very delicate. In these lessons, which start from the age of seven or eight, there is a clear psychological rationale. It’s not to make children attracted to people of their own gender. Instead, it’s to reduce the potential for homophobia. They make statements to children such as that same-sex marriages are part of the norm so they understand the world is diverse and the main thing in any family is love and understanding.
A lot of information on the subject of sex is available on the internet nowadays, such as educational videos and other content. Would you advise reading and watching this, whether in English or Russian?
My colleagues make some good podcasts. I'd recommend the one by the British psycho-sexologist and therapist Kate Moyle. Her book about sexual relationships, The Science of Sex (2023), is also well worth reading.
What's the path to harmonious sex? How should we start?
Harmonious sex is when our expectations match reality. We have to talk about our expectations. Expectations are related to the needs we are able to recognise in ourselves and verbalise to our partners. Of course, physical compatibility and comfort are also important. The more we talk about it with our partner, the more we experiment and the more chance there is that the sex will be harmonious. Everybody decides for themselves what makes sex good or harmonious.
Is it true that sex prolongs the lifespan?
That's a difficult question. On the one hand, sex is physical exercise which releases a large amount of hormones stimulating pleasure and happiness and lengthening life, such as dopamine endorphins and serotonin. On the other hand, there are many stories of men dying of heart attacks whilst having sexual relations, so I wouldn't say that it prolongs life. I haven't seen scientific research confirming this. However, the pleasure a sex life gives you, including flirting, hugging and intimacy, both physical and emotional, all help people have a more positive outlook on life.
What's the most harmful modern myth about sex?
I think that all myths about gender roles in sex are harmful. They cause heightened expectations and dishonest relationships.
