A different culture is a different reality. Any immigrant will sooner or later encounter aspects of life in Britain that will greatly surprise or even disappoint them. We have taken a humoristic look at the country and its culture by compiling a list of fifty peculiarly British phenomena. They may affect your view of Old Blighty. For some, they may lead to a decided feeling of disappointment. As people never tire of reminding us, moving to another country means leaving your comfort zone and requires careful preparation. Forewarned is forearmed.
1. A second language
In the United Kingdom, your English, which back home was much better than that of many of your compatriots, has gone from being an accomplishment to being a burden. Even if you got excellent results in the IELTS English exam, from the very first days you’ll notice that you don’t know the language as well as you had supposed.
2. Left-hand drive
The left-handed rules of the road extend to pedestrians as well as drivers. It’s easy to learn what side to keep to and where to look, but the main worry is that, while behind the wheel, your true instinct for right-handedness may resurface when you least expect it.
3. The British system of measures
Milk and beer are in pints, living space in square feet, your height is in feet and inches and your weight is measured in rocks or ‘stones’, or something. Now use these terms for the rest of your life. It takes quite an effort to get your head around it. On the other hand, drinking beer in pints rather than half-litres is not so hard to adjust to.
4. The treacherous mile
It may seem to you that a mile is only a little bit more than a kilometre. In fact it’s a lot more. Run five miles, run ten, climb a mountain a mile high and feel the difference. It’s worse of all for drivers; they have to figure out what it means when the turn they need is in ‘a third of a mile’.
5. Fastidious bureaucracy
Your first encounter with this is when you enter the country. You soon learn to appreciate the full beauty of the civil service. An official who won’t budge an inch to cut you some slack should it contravene just one of the thousands of rules and regulations, is called a jobsworth, a name they bear with pride.
6. The weather is against you
The British climate is a factor which is hard to ignore. The weather here whispers, affects your mood, causes surprises and often gets you down. Frequently in the evening you regret the clothes you chose in the morning. It’s not so much that there’s a lot of wind and rain. What is challenging is the number of different varieties, which all cause their own different forms of discomfort.
7. Snow is a fairy story
If you like a snowy winter, then you are to be pitied. Forget about skiing, sledging and snowmen. Snow may deceptively cover the Scottish mountains, but in the city it is a rare and extremely unpleasant phenomenon which causes the trains to stop working in horror. If you’re hoping for snow and you actually get it, you’ll end up feeling like you’ve come to see grandma and try her trademark pie on the day that she’s forgotten the recipe.
8. Culinary nostalgia
One fine day you’ll realise that you really want ordinary food. Either salo (pig fat), salted cucumbers or a glazed syrok (cottage cheese bar). What exactly you’ll want and when you’ll only find out after you’ve arrived. Fortunately you can get a lot of things in Eastern European shops, but you might be surprised by the price. There’s bound to be something you especially want that you won’t be able to find. Steel yourself, it’s a hard ordeal.
9. The wrong milk
British milk doesn’t taste like the milk back home. It’s not crucial, but the difference is noticeable. You’re lucky if you don’t drink milk or you only have it in tea and coffee. Otherwise, once you’re picked up on this difference in taste, you’re doomed to be reminded of it again and again. Some people can get used to it, but not everyone.
10. Queuing as a form of culture
The queue in the United Kingdom is a form of social contract. It is valued in its own right. You have to come to terms with it. The queue allows civilised interaction, but no talking. Here’s a lifehack; try to view queues as you view the weather. They are not something to be endured, but simply to be aware of. The main thing is not to disturb their smooth flow.
11. Yes or no?
British politeness makes a ‘no’ temptingly similar to a ‘yes’. You’ll find yourself leaving important meetings with the feeling that you’ve reached agreement. Disappointment awaits. The British are inventive in the field of polite refusals. You’ll have to learn how to tell a ‘yes’ from a ‘no’ dressed up as a ‘yes’. For some, this will take years.
12. Exorbitant public transport
There is an impressive abundacne of public transport in London at least, but in true British style, the choice of routes is discriminating and services are decidedly thin on the ground at the weekend. The astronomical cost of fares does not guarantee a good ride; public transport in Britain has a propensity to leave you stranded.
13. Buses on demand
Picture the scene; you’re out in the sticks waiting for the last bus, and it sails past you without even slowing down. You just didn’t know that you had to wave at the driver to ask him to stop. For some reason you’d forgotten. Not to worry, you’ll remember tomorrow.
14. A friendly interface
This may surprise you, but in Britain the face does not exist to show people how serious, strict and unwelcoming you are. Here, you must look friendly, smile regularly and begin your utterances with greetings. Keeping the expression on your face under control is a useful habit, although it can be a hard trick to master. Bear in mind that if you ask a stranger a question, you should spare an extra couple of seconds for a greeting and a smile. It helps.
15. Small talk
Oh, the unshakable love of the British for banal conversation! Prepare to learn to keep frequently meaningless conversations going at the depth and level of detail required by rules known by everyone but you. An interesting topic may eventually come up in the conversation, or it may end with nothing at all having really been discussed. With all this sitting around, you may sometimes get the impression that you’re in store for a six course meal, but only end up being served a light appetiser.
16. Politics as a sport
Politics is more of a sport than actual sports are. Britons consider Westminster to be the mother of parliaments and the country to be the father of…politics itself. (Don’t argue!). In Britain they look on this art fondly, as on a favourite child. If you want to talk to the Brits regularly, study the news, especially the less important items. It is these that usually provoke the most heated debates.
17. The whole world in one country
Those who are under the impression that, having come to the UK, they’ll be living among buttoned-up Englishmen in tweed jackets who speak proper English are in for a shock. Unless they’re going to be working on the set of Downton Abbey, of course. You’ll probably meet people of a great many different races and ethnicities, and on the streets you’ll hear all kinds of unexpected languages such as Urdu and Tigrinya. That’s something else you’ll have to get used to.
18. No offence
British society is tolerant. It takes different shapes and forms, some of which are far from being conventional. If the sight of men kissing each other, barely mobile disabled people, tattooed punks with metal spikes sticking out of their heads, or painfully overweight ladies in half transparent leggings disturb you, that's your problem.
19. Stand up beer
If, on a Friday you decide to check out a pub after work, you have a choice. Either go to a popular watering hole where you’ll have to drink your ale standing up in the crush with your briefcase wedged between your knees, or go to sit in solitude at a place the locals shun. While you’re there, they’ll look in at you from the street with undisguised pity.
20. Ale or stout?
Beer can be a source of discord. If you want a pint you must decide what exactly you need; larger, ale, stout or porter. It’s best to give this question due consideration before you order. If you just ask for beer you risk getting the filthiest swill they have in the house.
21. Last call
If you didn’t manage to buy alcohol in the shop and you’ve decided to skulk around in a bar till dawn, disappointment awaits. In Britain there are limitations on the hours alcohol can be sold in bars too. Your faithful ally is the shout of the barman ‘Last call for alcohol!’; when you hear this you have to run to the bar and order as much as your wallet allows.
22. Their humour
You are in the company of Brits, and they’re cracking jokes. You understand every word and even the overall drift of what they’re saying. Everyone’s laughing except you. It’s awkward. The thing is that to learn to appreciate British humour takes years. The best way to get started is to try not to worry when you’re the only person there who doesn’t find the joke funny.
23. Your humour
You are in the company of Brits and they’re cracking jokes, and you want to respond in kind. Think again. It’s not as easy to joke in a foreign language as it seems. What’s more, you might get it into your head to make one of those jokes, and then nobody will be laughing. There may be an unbearably long pause. And they may not invite you out again.
24. The hierarchy of intimacy
Look a British acquaintance in the eye; they see not only you, but the distance between you. In their mind, they have a clear graduation of levels of intimacy, at each of which some things are permissible and others are not. This can relate to questions of family, holidays, cars or even goldfish. If you mention the wrong topic, you are transgressing these boundaries, with all the implications.
25. Relatively private grounds
How convenient it is when your private plot is protected by a high fence and guarded by fierce dogs! In Britain all is not so. You may accidentally stroll onto private grounds without even realising where you crossed the boundaries and, while there, you may do something that happens to be expressly prohibited in that spot. Naturally, you weren’t to know. These things happen. However, ignorance does not free you from responsibility.
26. Believe the signs
If you are used to a free interpretation of rules, leave this habit at home. All the rules that you encounter here, even the daftest ones, have been written with the sole purpose of being strictly enforced. Of course all kinds of situations may arise, and you can try to justify your infringement of the rules by claiming special circumstances. It’s likely people will understand you. But this does not mean you will be forgiven.
27. Space is at a premium
It’s rather crowded in Britain. It’s cramped on the narrow pavements, it’s squashed in the stairwell, it’s pokey at government offices and you can’t swing a cat on the bus or in the pub. Open space can be found in parks and the countryside, but if you live in a city then learn to lake up as little public space as possible. This skill will come in especially handy in the long, narrow tunnels and confined carriages of the older lines of the London Underground.
28. Cell-like dwellings
Spacious, renovated flats are also a luxury in great demand in the UK. The mainstay of the housing stock is old terraced houses containing rooms with enough space to walk into, but not enough to wave your arms. This is a bit of a nuisance, but it helps you to understand your own true size and make turns more gracefully.
29. Separate taps
This is a gradually disappearing, yet still widespread phenomenon. You’ll definitely run into it in the bathroom of some old pub. You see two taps oddly spaced out at either side of the sink. The water which gushes from one of them is icy cold, while from the other, it’s boiling hot. You’re supposed to put the plug in, fill the basin with water and then wash your hands, which is very convenient, especially in a pub. Those in a hurry usually turn on both taps at once and move their hands from one flow to the other to the accompaniment of screams and splashing.
30. Prepaid metres
This is also a disappearing phenomenon, and rather an unpleasant one. In certain flats, electricity is only available if you feed a greedy machine in advance. They swallow either coins, lower denomination notes, or special tokens. Not only is this significantly more expensive than other ways of paying, there is another inconvenience; the necessary form of payment invariably runs out in the middle of a cold night, and then the frozen must save themselves.
31. Damp and draughts
Have you gone into a cafe and felt a draught? Have you sat in an office and felt your feet chilled by the damp? In Britain this is all quite acceptable. A draught is not considered anything to worry about, and certainly not a danger to health. Have you made your peace with the British weather? You must cope with the draughts too.
32. Be careful with rubbish
We dare to hope that you’ve mastered the art of sorting waste. In many countries this is a common task. However, if you should become possessed with the notion of jettisoning a worn-out sofa or a pesky old washing machine, you won’t be able to just leave it at the tip. Please pay for its removal for recycling. Or pay a fine.
33. Those impudent ginger whiskers
When you take out the rubbish, you’re liable to encounter another attraction. You’ve probably become accustomed to pigeons, sparrows, rats, cats and other examples of urban fauna. In Britain you’ll meet another species; the fox. There are swarms of them, they’ve adapted to city life and they dine on rubbish. The bins are their territory and they bid you welcome. Have you heard them howl yet?
34. Being a workaholic isn’t trendy
Many of us have learnt to work without breaks at the weekend. However, in the United Kingdom, your zeal is unlikely to be appreciated. More probably it’ll be viewed with suspicion. Business questions here are given no more consideration than necessary and the weekend is a break for everyone. If you find your hands fidgeting all the same, you can always take up a sport.
35. The shortage of holidays
The other side of the coin is the lack of long holidays. There are fewer bank holidays and other days off in Britain than in most countries in Europe. When, on a Friday or Saturday evening, you witness the activity around the bars and clubs, you’ll probably guess why this is.
36. The short school summer holidays
Here, you can’t just send the offspring off to grandma’s village and enjoy peace and quiet at home. In Britain the summer holidays last no more than a month and a half. In compensation, there are the Christmas and Easter holidays, which both last a fortnight. Traditionally, at these times, the price of hotel rooms and airfares soar most unsportingly.
37. Life by the hour
In the British Isles, being able to buy whatever you want at whatever hour of night or day takes your whim just isn’t a priority. All shops have inflexible opening hours; most close in early evening and don’t open at all at weekends. Quite right too. Since your enthusiasm for work is unwelcome, why should anyone else’s be well received?
38. Taxation in all its beauty
Sooner or later you’ll end up having to fill in a tax return. This process resembles multiple factor analysis, and the resulting sum for payment can bring on fits of laughter mixed with tears. Of course, there are people who are ready to help. But only for a hefty fee. A lifehack is not to leave it to the very last minute; this will spare your nerves.
39. Sometimes it’s just a cup of tea
An invitation to have a cup of tea in Britain should be taken literally. If you’re lucky, the tea will be served with a biscuit or a small cake. ‘Cup of tea’ in its meaning of ‘a table groaning with delicacies’ is an idea you left behind somewhere in the distant East. By the way, if you like your tea black, warn the host in advance. In many households, tea without milk is held to be nonsense.
40. The all important GP
If you’re unwell, it’s off to the GP with you. You may be convinced that you need to see an eye specialist or a proctologist, but you’ll get nowhere without seeing your GP. These general purpose sawbones are the traffic controllers of the health service, only they can decide if you need to see a specialist or if you can do without. What’s more, as you may have guessed, they can only be seen by prior appointment.
41. The difficulties of self-treatment
If you are one of those self-confident folk who like to prescribe, purchase and administer medicine off your own bat, you’re in for disappointment. Most medicines here are only sold by doctor’s prescription. Over the counter they won’t sell you the serious stuff.
42. Keep the kids on a leash
If you decide to leave your independent nine-year-old home alone and pop out to the shop, you’re committing a crime. You can’t send him out for an unaccompanied walk either. The Crown is not especially eager to take responsibility for your children. This is why the onus is on you. And beware! The age at which it’s safe to leave a child alone has not been legally defined. So despite this disapproval of lax parenting, it’s up to you to decide when your children are grown up and independent enough to fend for themselves.
43. The pain of childcare
Three-year-olds are guaranteed free places at nurseries. But don’t rejoice too early; there is only provision for 30 hours of care a week, which may not be enough. Even if you manage to navigate the complications of enrolment and can reconfigure your working day around the nursery’s opening times, the price of extra hours will shock you. Nursery schools in the United Kingdom are some of the most expensive in Europe.
44. Should I swaddle the kids?
Sometimes it seems that British parents spend more time keeping themselves warm than worrying about whether their children have caught a chill. Quite often in winter, children can be seen with their coats undone and no hats or scarves. This sight touches no-one’s heart. They can even sit on the bare earth in the schoolyard and no-one will say a word. As for your own children, it’s up to you. Either leave their runny noses unwiped, or let them stick out like foreigners.
45. Compassion is the fashion
Wearing natural fur in Britain is fraught with pitfalls; you may be called out or, worst of all, have paint thrown on you. By putting on fur, in the eyes of many locals you have become the accessory to the murder of an animal, the hide of which you have so artfully selected for your wardrobe. In fairness we have to say that in such a damp climate fur is impractical and unnecessary.
46. High heels as a manifesto
British women only put on brightly coloured high-heeled shoes on certain occasions, for example when they head off to a pub or club with the intention of painting the town red. Those who prefer to wear such footwear everyday will have to reconcile themselves to puzzled looks. You shouldn’t mistake this for appreciation or envy.
47. A chit to go fishing, a little basket to pick mushrooms
Do you like fishing? In Britain there are many lakes and ponds, but you need a licence to fish. Either apply for this document and take your quota of fish, or let everything you catch go. It’s not straightforward with mushrooms or berries either. You can’t pick them in nature reserves and if you set off for the Quiet Hunt with a bucket, your collection may be considered commercial and you will be fined.
48. The town is buzzing
At the end of the week any British town, or at least the part of it that contains bars and nightclubs, becomes a vision of Hell. Having withstood the trials and restrictions of the working week, people set off to unwind without thinking too much about the consequences. At first, they feel good. Then they feel great. However, rather quickly they begin to feel a little worse for wear. At night they crawl on all fours, more dead than alive back to their homes, and in the morning you will see the products of their intoxication. All in all, it’s better to choose another time for a walk.
49. The burden of a name
If you have a short and simple name which is easy to pronounce, then you’re lucky. Otherwise you’ll hear a great variety of new ways to pronounce it, and for years, your new British friends will refer to you as ‘that guy with the long surname’.
50. Your chances
You can put a great amount of effort into your integration in British society, but, unfortunately, you’re not likely to become fully at home here. You’ll stand out, if not because of your accent, then because of your clothes, or maybe because of something about your mannerisms which you haven’t even noticed. It’s likely that your children will have some difficulties too, but not as many. The good news is that you’re not alone, there are many others like you.
